How a Man Reacts Internally When a Woman Is Overwhelmed And Upset

When a women is overwhelmed, a man tends to withdraw and detach from her to be free of the feelings of guilt and inadequacy that he feels in response to her. He has taken her unhappiness, overwhelm, and helplessness personally. He feels that he has failed her in some way, but he does not know how to say this without losing face.

He does not tell her that he is frustrated because she is so unhappy, and that he wants her to be happy. He does not say he is disappointed that he has not done more to make her life easier. He does not say that he is worried for her and doesn't want her to feel so alone and unsupported. He doesn't say, “I understand how hard it can be around here.” He doesn't give her a hug and say, “I love you, let's talk about it.”

This is how he feels, but he doesn't say it because he doesn't know how, and he doesn't know that it is needed. Because he does not understand what she needs at these times, and because he has not learned how to communicate his feelings, he automatically withdraws. The irony is that she imagines that he is feeling the very opposite. She imagines that he doesn't even care. Inside he is unhappy that she is unhappy, but on the outside he acts as if everything is fine. And all along his resistance to her increases. As a result, she now feels even more abandoned, upset, and helpless.

When a women is feeling overwhelmed she needs her partner to be a sounding board. He can help her find balance just by listening to and understanding her frustration. Unfortunately, he mistakenly thinks she is asking him to rectify a situation. He typically hears a few of her problems and then attempts to offer solutions, assuming that if his solutions are good, then she will feel better.

He expects this because when a man is upset and he discovers a good solution to his problem, he will generally feel better right away. When she continues to be upset and lists even more problems, he starts to feel rejected and helpless.

From his perspective it seems impossible to please her. She is rarely happy, and she appears to demand more than he can give her. Even though he may want to help her, he will resist because he feels blamed and accused of having not helped her already.


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