We can become more capable and successful in relating to others when we choose to develop “proactive” rather than reactive communication. Proactive responding facilitates communication while reactive responding inhibits communication.

Proactive responding is the ability to listen to the other person's feelings and empathize without taking responsibility for those feelings. Taking responsibility for someone else's feelings creates undue emotional and mental stress. Ultimately, you're more apt to respond in a reactive way, projecting your pent-up frustrations or hostile feelings on others. Reactive communication blocks freedom of expression of others. When freedom of expression is blocked, it's like being submerged in water and drowning. When you fight to reach the surface and take a deep breath, first you're relieved and then your body relaxes.

Reactive responding is unrewarding and discourages further communication. When you cut off communication, it's like slamming a door in the other person's face. If you've ever had a door slammed in your face, literally or figuratively, then you know it is not a pleasant feeling. Reactive responding creates conflict and resentment often leading to distrust and hostility.

Defensive communication may be a reaction to being held back or repressed in some way. Defensive, reactive communication erects barriers and creates resistances that close off and terminate communication. Trying to speak with someone about commitment in a relationship when the person is unsure about his/her feelings is difficult. When the person is noncommittal, your choice is to either act, or react. When someone finds it difficult to speak with you, you might react by blaming him; It's his fault, He's acting in a childish way, and so on.

Reactive communication constructs walls and roadblocks preventing us from understanding ourselves and others. A reactive response discourages and blocks further communication. Non-defensive communication allows you to express yourself in an open, honest and straightforward way. When you communicate to others in & proactive way, you become more responsive to the needs of others. Proactive communication helps to break down the walls and barriers that prevent us from communicating more effectively. When you're proactive, you communicate with empathy. Communicating with empathy encourages mutual feedback and shows genuine enthusiasm. Listening to feelings and responding congruently to others are two of the best ways to develop healthier communications and behaviors within relationships.

Positive communication encourages positive behavior. A compliment can positively motivate you to risk responding in an interested, rather than a disinterested way. When you're interested, you're motivated to make positive contact with others. Responding to others in a 'proactive way allows them the freedom to respond, or not respond, to you. You, as a proactive responder, can give this message: I'm listening to you, and want to respond to you, and have you respond to me. However, if you're not ready I'm willing to postpone my need to communicate and continue our conversation at another time.
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