Children Of Divorce Have A High Risk Of Separation Anxiety

Children of divorce grow up very fast, often too fast. A large part of the problem is economic, of course. There are very few families, intact or not, who haven't felt the pinch of inflation and haven't had to cut back somewhere. Because of the number of mothers in the work force, even most intact families have had to reorganize. But for divorced children of these ages, the shuffle in responsibilities is often overwhelming.

For example, a child named Charley was ten years old when his mother and father separated and his life changed overnight. His mother started spending a lot of time away from home, leaving Charley to take almost complete care of his five-year-old brother. "She was going out with a lot of guys and she wasn't home much," explains Charley. "I had to take care of the baby. I had to walk him to school, walk him home, feed him lunch and dinner, even put him to bed. He wouldn't listen to me. And I wasn't allowed to yell at him. I really hated him. And her."

The forced solitude of divorced children also contributes to hurrying them into a maturity many of them wish they didn't have. Teenagers seem more capable of being alone, and even seek out solitude as a surcease from the emotional and social frenzy that often dominates their lives. Much younger children are less apt to be left alone for long periods of time. But late- latency children are caught between. They are old enough to take care of themselves, but not old enough to enjoy it. And they can feel very much alone.

Often, lonely children this age fantasize about living with the other parent, as if simply changing houses would solve their problems. This concentration on the magic of externally controlled happiness often postpones their ability to face problems and solve them. Just as teenagers can turn to drugs and alcohol to "tune out," children this age can "escape" through the imagined qualities of the other parent who would love them, be home, and buy them whatever they want. But it rarely turns out that way.

Separation anxiety can also return to plague these children who now only have one parent to rely on. Old enough to understand the precariousness of life, they often worry excessively about the parent's safety. Luckily, these children are old enough to distract themselves from their fears.

Other children worry about the parent's health and even take responsibility for it as a sort of insurance policy against being orphaned. More than one child confessed to hiding or throwing away the parent's cigarettes. One boy brazenly poured a bottle of vodka down the sink right in front of his mother. Still another spent his allowance on vitamin pills for his mother. "Someone's got to make sure she's all right," a nine-year-old said. "I guess it's me."


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