Divorce can be a mess, angry, and negative experience for the both of you. However, if you have children, it is important to shelve your negative feelings toward your former partner as much as possible around your children. Admittedly, that's difficult. One of the hardest things mothers and fathers face is allowing children to have positive thoughts about a person they've seen at his worst.
It's best for everyone's sake if you find ways of communicating with your estranged spouse whatever works for you, including e-mail, notes, intermediaries, or telephone calls. Don't place a child in the messenger role, and avoid grilling children for a play-by-play of their time with mom or dad.
When parents wage war through their children, it sends a not-so-subtle message of "I am not able to handle this like an adult so I will have you [the child] do it for me." That places an adult burden on a child's shoulders. The kids already have added burdens with their family unraveling. Don't force them to carry more than they can bear. If necessary (and most times it is a smart choice regardless of the circumstances), then formal mediation can help.
Formal mediation of child custody and visitation is popular, and in some jurisdictions mandatory. A trained mediator has a background in psychology, social work, or family law. This person doesn't take sides. He or she is there to help a couple define disputes, often because they are so blinded by bitterness or overwhelming emotion that they cannot think clearly. The mediator will help the two arrive at conclusions that they take to individual attorneys to become a court order.
Mediation is not a binding decision. But it does take place in an emotionally safe place, for most quarreling spouses calm down a little in the presence of a third party, at a neutral location. Sometimes, mediation involves attending educational seminars. Each parent pays toward the cost of these sessions.
There are good reasons to use a qualified mediator. For starters, the process emanates from a position of cooperation, not antagonism. If you've already received nasty grams from your estranged spouse or their attorney, you know exactly what I mean. Where does this get the two of you, and your children? Nowhere! Therefore, the mere act of going to mediation speaks volumes.
Mediation also allows parents to make their own decisions regarding their own children. Everyone wants to believe that the courts will act in the best interest of the kids, and they do try. But let's be honest. No one has the understanding and background on these children that the parents do. Furthermore, mediation is less costly than dueling it out through attorneys and the courts.
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