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Divorce: Do I Really Have To Go Through This Pain?

Loosing The Children:

Dividing up the children is especially painful, even in the most harmonious of divorces. At the extreme, of course, is a custody fight in which one parent will definitely become the winner, the other the loser. But in all divorces involving children, each parent loses a little. The noncustodial parent, even if he sees his children a great deal, loses the day-to-day contact with them and has little or no say in what decisions the co-parent makes concerning schooling, religious training, or even discipline.

The custodial parent, on the other hand, loses control of the children while they are visiting the other parent and has no say in what influences or different life-styles are being brought to bear on the children, unless, in the eyes of the court, such differences are thought to be harmful to the children. Even though a single parent may yearn to get out from under the responsibilities of child rearing, it is still very difficult to let the reins go. The situation becomes particularly explosive when another partner for the mother or the father enters the picture and has contact with the children. Many divorced parents never make it entirely through the phase of loosening their control over the children, even though they have successfully managed to give up each other.

Giving Up The Material Stuff:

This can be one of the toughest phases of divorce because the object here is tangible and not abstract. There is nothing a person can do to make another love her (or him) or to keep that person from loving someone else. But when it comes down to dividing a shared property, from a fishing cabin in Maine to an ashtray bought in Morocco, concrete victories can be won, and thus antagonisms may boil. Suddenly, something that has always been "ours" becomes "yours" or "mine."

The disputed property is real, not only in terms of economic worth, but as a sentimental souvenir of happier times. Such division of things is even further complicated by the couple's different attitudes toward "his" and "her" property. He may have loved the fishing cabin in Maine because of the leisure time spent on the water. She may have loved it just as much, but because it was the only place she found time to paint. He may want the ashtray because he bargained the price down to $2.00. She may want it because it is the precise color of red she has always loved and rarely found.

Just as some relationships are eroded to the breaking point by such petty actions as leaving the top off the toothpaste, the stages of divorce, which have gone smoothly enough up to now, may explode with mushroom cloud force over the dispersal of the spoils of marriage. After all, even a bad marriage is a part of one's history, and everybody wants the best of the artifacts.

Four High Priority Moves To Make If You Sense A Divorce On The Horizon

If you have any type of idea that a separation and divorce is headed in your direction, then gleam over this list. Don't feel guilty about taking these measures if you must. Messy breakups which lead to divorce can show the darker side of your partner.

1. Knowledge is power

Know where you and your spouse have bank accounts, life insurance policies, mutual funds, certificates of deposit, all other instruments of finance, and important documents such as social security cards, passports, birth and stock certificates, and the details of pension, 401 (k), and other employee benefits. Know the location of and have access to safe deposit boxes. Your county recorder of deeds can help you track down real estate and deeds.

If your marriage is just short of the ten-year mark, you may want to wait it out, if you can and if it's safe. You'll have more bargaining power in matters such as alimony, social security, pension benefits, and more. This is because courts tend to view marriages lasting at least ten years or more as longer term. Therefore, you may be eligible for a portion of your spouse's pension and social security benefits (when you reach the age to claim these), and you may qualify for alimony. It's all good reason to speak with an attorney before moving out.

2. Become a financial sleuth

Obtain statements and balances for bank accounts, plus copies of wills and trusts. Make duplicate copies of computer files-with financial data. The Social Security office can give you a current report of earning for both of you. Collect as many of your spouse's pay stubs as possible. In some professions there are multiple pay checks. For instance, a police officer might receive separate payment for his court appearances. Or there could be bonuses or commissions accounted for on separate pay stubs. Most of this shows up on a W-2.

3. Safeguard heirlooms and liquid assets

Seek appraisals for artwork, antiques, and other collectibles. Take any sentimental or important objects to a friend's house for safekeeping. Be certain that your name is recorded on the house deed or apartment lease. Do not stash cash in a safe deposit box; for pending litigation, boxes are sometimes sealed. Make sure you revoke any powers of attorney your spouse may have and ask brokerage firms to check for identification before your name is signed to anything.

4. Open a bank account in your name

It only takes one party to raid an account, and you don't want to be left without any money. Certainly do not deposit any more of your own money into a joint account, even if you transfer that into your own name. Establish a new account for future deposits, preferably at another bank. This is where you can keep an emergency fund to live on and pay legal bills, at least until support is established. Don't be surprised if a spouse petitions for joint accounts to be frozen, pending equitable distribution in a divorce. This is another reason to have your own access to funds.